I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
