You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
