i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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