The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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