I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
And then he peed in my hair
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