So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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