So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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