i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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