I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ugly people sure do ruin things
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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