The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
