Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
