My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
