So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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