Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
