the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
