Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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