Pants 0. Shit 1.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
