Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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