I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What changed your mind?
Being sober
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
