If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I need to sanitize my soul.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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