I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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