Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
