That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
