If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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