During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You took a bar mat shot.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
