she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
