Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
