I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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