I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
