I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
