a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
