I'm gonna have a badass scar
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just pynch a tree in the face
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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