Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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