I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
