The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
