I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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