in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
