mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
