Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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