ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
