i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
