the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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