Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
