I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
