Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I want to fling myself into the sun
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