Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
