I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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