You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
