Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I party with great urgency now.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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