And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
