He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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