i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
